"Mom of the Year," for Slapping and Cursing? What Toya Graham Can Teach Us

Living in Baltimore, I've turned into a news junkie recently, glued to new feeds about the riots going on nearby. Yesterday, though, I was struck by one viral video of a mother named Toya Graham, physically assaulting her son who was taking part in the riots, insisting that he leave and go home. Commentor after commenter lauded her iron-clad approach, saying that this was a mom who knew her responsibility and was willing to do anything to keep her child safe. She was praised as "Mom of the Year."

I was shocked.

I understand that it's difficult to comment on a culture that you are not a part of. I also understand that this was an extreme situation -- in Toya Graham's mind, a matter of life and death for her son. I would be the last person to pass judgement on a woman who was in a crazy situation and reacted more strongly than she would have on a regular basis. But to give this mother the "mom of the year" title? That made me angry.

Why? Because I've been that mom. No, I haven't cursed at my kids, nor have I walloped them on their heads. But I've been that mom who felt that there was no other way to get my kids to stop other than by using a violent or disrespectful technique (if you could call it that), and who tried to rationalize it to myself afterwards.

There is nothing wrong with picking up a child and moving her away from a situation. But if you find yourself holding her more tightly than necessary, purely because of your frustration, or saying hurtful words about her character or about your feelings towards her...that's over the top. And it's very normal to want to rationalize to yourself that it's the only way she'll listen, the only way you can get your point across. Unfortunately, the point that you're getting across when you overreact to a situation because of your own fear, anger, or stress, is not the one you hope to get across.

Kids get the message that if you're upset at someone else, you can let your anger out on them.
Kids get the message that if you're stronger than someone else, you can hurt them.
Kids get the message that you think they're a pain to be around.
Kids get the message that they're not safe.
Kids get the message that you're the enemy, since you're treating them like one.
Kids get the message that violence is a valid response to anger.

That doesn't mean that you should eat yourself up with guilt when you blow up at your kids. It means recognizing that there were other techniques that could have helped the situation, and promising yourself that you'll use those techniques next time instead of falling prey to a "fight or flight" response. It means acknowledging that you're flawed, apologizing to your child, and assuring them that you'll try your hardest to respond in a better way next time. It means showing your kids that there is strength in asking for forgiveness, and that even adults need to work on themselves.

But if you award yourself the title "Mom of the Year" because it was the only way to get the message across, know that you're lying to yourself and cheating your kids.

Be honest. Be respectful. And teach your child the messages that you want them to learn, instead of the ones you're teaching them by mistake.