Sibling Rivalry: How to Make Them One Big Happy Family

Sibling rivalry. If you'd asked me a few years ago to write an essay on the topic, I could have easily written about how all kids will fight sometimes, about how parents should stop interfering with their fights, and about how boys will sometimes get physical with each other. I would probably also have thrown in a few pieces of advice to parents about how to minimize sibling rivalry. You know, not comparing children, not encouraging siblings to compete against each other, doing activities with kids that make them feel like they're a team.

In theory, I knew everything there was to know about sibling rivalry. Kind of like parents-to-be know everything there is to know about parenting.

Fast forward a few years. There are days when I feel like the boys can't go five seconds between fights. Days when I'm sure that if I don't interfere in this fight -- and this one -- and, oh boy! this one -- someone is going to end up in the emergency room. Days where I wonder what would happen if I'd lock them all in a soundproof room together and walk away. Could they possibly fight any more than they already do?

In an attempt to solve this problem, here are the techniques I've used:

• Let them work it out by themselves. I've tried this many times. In its latest reincarnation, the technique lasted about four seconds -- until Bub slammed Boo's head into the wall. Felt so guilty.
• Show them how it feels. I'm embarrassed to admit that I've tried this. When Boo (my four year old) insisted on tickling Turtle (my two year old) over and over again, even though he said stop, I was livid. I've always made a point of stopping myself from continuing any tickling or roughhousing the first second that a kid asks for it, and we've talked about that a lot. So I told Boo that I wanted him to understand why Turtle was so upset, and I tickled him for a few minutes. He hates tickling. He seemed to get the message, but I definitely felt guilty.
• Sit down and talk to them about it. In theory, I ascribe to the positive parenting methods espoused by Dr. Laura Markham, among others. They're mostly about talk, talk, talk (and play, and hug, and cry). Been doing this for a while. While it's worked for other behaviors, it hasn't made a dent in the level of sibling rivalry that's been going on. At this point, Bub groans and says, "You're not going to make me talk about it, are you?"
• Give consequences. We've tried a few of these, and none of them have seemed to make a difference. Here they are:
• If you hurt someone, whatever you wanted goes to them. In other words, if Bub shoves Boo because he wants a piece of Lego, Bub is no longer allowed to play with the Lego and Boo gets whatever Lego he wants.
• If you do something and someone says no, you stop. If you don't stop, you need to leave the room because you're not playing nicely with them.
• If you don't like something someone does, you calmly ask them to stop. If you scream at the slightest provocation, Mommy will ignore your screaming. (Obviously this does not apply to physical harm, and if they come to me crying, I'm happy to give them a hug and would never ignore the honest-to-goodness crying. The screaming, though, was obviously an attempt to get Mommy's attention and get a sibling in trouble.)
• Time outs. Ha. You've got to be kidding.
• Videotape them. And then play it back to them to let them know how ridiculous they sound. Or to teach them social skills. Like, "See? That's five times in five minutes that you said something nasty to your brother. Would you want to be friends with someone who treated you like that? What were you thinking???" Okay, I haven't done this yet. Am seriously considering it.
• Put them in two different rooms. While I do put them in solitary confinement when it gets horrible, purely in order to retain some level of sanity and allow them to calm themselves down, somehow I think that CPS would get on my back if I tried it all day. Every day. Oh well.

So what's left? I love the idea of playing games with them that require teamwork, but the problem is that it turns into Bub complaining that Boo isn't helping enough (since Boo is, well, only four), and Boo complaining that Bub isn't letting him do anything, and Turtle getting in the midst of it all and getting someone upset at him too...

I'd love to hear from other mommies who have been in this boat. Please don't reply if your kids are angels who play together all day while you meditate on the couch. Thanks.