WAHMs: The Best of Both Worlds?

I'm a WAHM. Been one since my oldest son was born. After all, WAHMs have the best of both worlds.

Right? Well, let's examine the other mommying options out there:

SAHMs
Well, Stay-At-Home Moms have it easy. After all, they're home all day long, so they can run errands whenever they want, make dinner whenever they want, do chores whenever they want, and still have time leftover for resting. They get to be home with their kids. They get to take their kids to parks, the library, Mommy and Me groups, or anywhere that a stroller can take them. They don't have to worry about crazy deadlines, babysitters' sick days, or oppressive bosses.

And yet, SAHMs have it hard. They're with their (youngest) kids 24/7, which means that when their kids are going through a rough stage -- colic, tantrums, dumping out every container in the house -- they never get a break from it. They can never even sit down, let alone rest, even when the kids are sleeping; have you ever seen a house that's been overrun by an overtired toddler for an entire day?

And then there's the icing on the cake: the guilt. Guilt that they're not doing something more "productive" with their lives. Guilt that they spend the whole day at home and yet can't seem to get dinner on the table or the Rice Krispies off the floor (nor can they pay for takeout or cleaning help since after all, staying home means making sacrifices). Guilt that they have what everyone reminds them is the luxury of staying home with their kids, and yet they can't fully appreciate it between the exploding diapers and the pots scattered around their kitchen floor and the never-ending whining and wailing. Guilt that maybe they're not doing, well, what they're really supposed to be doing, that it's somehow gotten lost in the chaos.

Working Moms
As for working moms, they definitely have it easy. They deal with their kids for a little while in the morning and a little while at night, but get a nice long break in the middle. They get to interact with people who speak in full sentences and have complex, thought-provoking conversations that go beyond the contents of a diaper. Society looks at them as successful, as the "woman who has it all." They often get to sit at a desk in a nice, air conditioned office for hours every day, doing nothing more physically exhausting than moving their fingers on the computer keys. They get to live their dreams, play to their passions. Oh, and best of all, they get half an hour every day to sit and each lunch. On their own. In silence.

And yet, working moms have it hard. They're constantly juggling daycare schedules that don't seem to mesh with their office hours. There's no time to make dinner, because by the time they come home, it's already dinnertime. Banks, doctor's offices, and other places of interest haven't seemed to realize that if they work nine to five, it means that other people who work nine to five can't take advantage of their services without ditching their jobs. When they're with their kids, they're always trying to squeeze too much into too little time. "Quality time" seems ephemeral, "quantity time" impossible.

And as with the SAHMs, there's the guilt. The guilt that they weren't there to see their child's first step. The guilt that they are somehow choosing their own desires and needs over their children's. The guilt that they feel when they realize that their daycare providers and playgroup leaders will never be able to love their kids as much as they do.

WAHMs
As I said, I'm a work-at-home mom. Which means I have the best of both worlds.

I'm with my kids all day, and yet I am pursuing my passions. I don't have to deal with sick babysitters or conflicting daycare schedules, and yet no one expects me to have the house of a SAHM, because after all, I'm working! When my older kids are sick, I don't need to take off work. I get to sit in my nice, air conditioned house and work, even with a sink full of dishes, because I'm running on deadline -- but I don't have to commute. I get to lounge around in flats and slinky skirts while emailing and calling people in suits and ties. I even have an excuse to crash on the couch at night with my computer. What could be better?

But then again, I also have the worst of both worlds. Both SAHMs and working moms can do their chores at night. WAHMs like me usually get their best work done at night, after the kids are asleep. So when do chores get done? When the kids are up and around and begging me for attention. SAHMs have naptime to relax and get things done around the house; I work while my kids nap. Working moms have set hours to meet their deadlines; mine can be cut short by a baby's scream from his crib.

And as for the guilt? Well, I get double the guilt. The guilt that even though I'm with my kids all day, I have so much to do that I can't focus on them. The feeling that maybe I'm doing this for selfish reasons, that it would be better for them to be at a playgroup with a fun morah, instead of a mommy who's trying to do fifty things at once. Oh, and if I do succeed in getting something done? There's the guilt that I should have been working instead. And if I've been working, there's the guilt that I should have gotten things done around the house.



What's incredible to me is the fact that I probably think about the advantages and disadvantages of being a WAHM every day. Constantly evaluating, constantly wondering whether I have it harder or easier than other mommies out there. If I decide I have it harder, I berate myself for not feeling others' hardships enough. If I feel I have it easier, I immediately make excuses to explain to myself why it's really not true, why my life really is harder, as if doing so will absolve me of the guilt I feel for having such an easy life.

From talking to other moms, I get the impression that I'm not the only one who is sensitive to this. Why do we spend so much time comparing our lives to other moms? Why do we feel the need to prove to ourselves that we have it harder than they do?

And it's not just whether we work that lends itself to this issue. When I think I'm having a hard day, I think of how much harder it would be if I had a newborn right now. When I've had a newborn, I've thought of how much harder it would be to have twins. Why do I do this? According to my own twisted logic, if someone else has it harder than me, I'm not allowed to complain. Which makes things, ironically, worse.

And when I have an easy day, I try to excuse it by thinking of the people out there who have things easier than I do. Empty nesters, exploring the world. Moms with just one kid, an easygoing one, who is in school all day. As if having an easy day is a crime, and I have to prove myself innocent.

Am I the only one who does this? How do you cure yourself of this need to constantly compare yourself to others, of playing the "easier-harder" game?


*Note: These are stereotypes. Yes, some SAHMs have a ton of money and a maid and no kids at home, and some working moms hate their jobs but have no choice, work part time, are on their feet all day, or are married to a SAHD. Please see past this detail.